This is not going to be an article talking about how hip and cool Oakland is. This article is not going to be about how, despite its reputation for crime, Oakland is really starting to blossom as a “destination,” or how it’s more “authentic.” And can people please stop using the term authentic when describing cities that have at some point struggled with poverty, it makes you sound like a fucking dick. This article is basically me bitching about how shitty San Francisco has become, and how that shittiness reaches its pinnacle among the city’s infinitely growing skyline. And that Oakland, while annoying in its own right, is the lesser of two evils. Oakland is Hillary Clinton; it’s a faux-progressive, corporatist shit show that’ll do or say anything to get a few dollars from wealthy elites, while simultaneously depending on minorities and the poor to continually churn out “cool” cultural trends, as they push them out. You know, the same way Hillary Clinton counts on those same groups for votes, but pushes policies that would inevitably make their lives harder.
And somehow… San Francisco still sucks more. San Francisco is the urban equivalent of Donald Trump, if Donald Trump hired Bernie Sanders’ speech writer and engaged in gay butt sex every now and again during his crazy, experimental years in the cocaine 80s. It’s the most capitalist place that has ever existed. San Francisco deprives its citizens of the most basic amenities any other city would be expected to provide, the same way Donald Trump deprives our country of the most basic elements of leadership, that any other president would be expected to have.
I’m sorry, San Francisco, but I don’t need to be knee deep in shit, piss and “innovation” to be reminded how poor I am while waiting in line for 45 minutes to eat $15 toast, just so I can Instagram it, specifically tagging the location in an attempt to let all 150 people who follow me know that I eat toast in only the hippest possible conditions.
Oakland is clearly superior, because in Oakland I’d only wait in line for 20 minutes for toast, and that toast would only be $10! And the street I would stand on while waiting wouldn’t smell like shit and piss, just hella weed. And that toast would likely be made by a minority! Which is ultra #progressive and #woke HA! Take that, San Francisco, you fuck! And when I tag the location on Instagram, everyone will now be aware of that fact that I’m not only hip, but also very edgy and not at all racist! Because in Oakland everything is activism, even if it’s shit you were already going to do, like buying overpriced “bargain” toast, or doing yoga!
120k is officially below the poverty line in San Francisco. If you’re making that much in Oakland, you’re lower-middle class. Much better sounding. Very American.
Basically, if you live in the Bay Area’s urban center, you’re getting fucked, but the dick you’re getting fucked with is a little smaller in Oakland. A tad gentler, too. Now bite down on that pillow and tell yourself at least you’re not in the Midwest. And if the crime gets you down, don’t bother calling OPD, they’ve got underage prostitutes to… “thoroughly investigate.”